Friday, 31 August 2012

Las Vegas Good Times. Las Vegas Escorts Are Better Than Wives!

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.



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Wednesday, 29 August 2012

When Is Your Trip To Vegas? How About Some Rodney Dangerfield To Put You In The Mood


My wife & I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife & I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, & I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room & said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank & they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

There are so many great comics in Las Vegas. You can see a comedy show every night. Why not bring a fun Las Vegas escort and enjoy the show together? Hello, my name is Carmen, and I am one of the sexiest Las Vegas escorts you could ever hope to find.

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Monday, 27 August 2012

Las Vegas Escorts - A Priest, A Nun and a Blowjob


A newly ordained priest is sent to Las Vegas, to be the leader of a small congregation in a seedy area.  That evening, he is walking down the street outside the church, when he is approached by a prostitute, who says to him, "Hey father, you want a blow job? Only 50 bucks."
He gets embarrassed because he doesn't know what she's talking about, but given how she's dressed, he declines.
The next day he meets the senior nun in the church, and asks her, "Sister, what's a blow job?"
She replies, "50 bucks, same as on the Strip."

Don't make Father's mistake when you go to Las Vegas. Get the real deal! 

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Saturday, 25 August 2012

Las Vegas Escorts: Go To The Strip Club With No Hassle

Dick works hard & spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a Las Vegas strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them & says, "Hey, Dick! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dick. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dick if he'd like his usual & brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable & says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A Las Vegas stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dick & starts to rub herself all over him & says, "Hi Dickbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dick's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.

Dick follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dick tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around & says, "Geez Dick, you picked up a real bitch this time."

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Friday, 24 August 2012

Nevada Escorts That Aren't Cows!

This guy goes into a Nevada Brothel & gives the lady at the front desk $500 & tells her that he wants a Las Vegas Escort that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall & its the second door on the right.

He does & just as they get started the escort starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk & tell the woman that he said he wanted an escort that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall & its the third door on the left.

He does & once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk & she says I know, I know, you want an escort that can handle you.

She says, ok, ok, this time go all the way down the hall & down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet & stick it in.

He does this & just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

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Tuesday, 21 August 2012

You Can Not Pay Your Las Vegas Escort By The Inch!

Three friends decided to visit a Las Vegas prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars," said the first.

The second guy goes in & returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in & returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"


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Monday, 20 August 2012

Las Vegas Jokes Video and Some Vegas Facts


A vagrant once turned a $400 Social Security check into $1.6 million playing blackjack in a Las Vegas casino.

According to suppliers, purple is the favorite ink color in daubers used by Las Vegas Bingo players.

The beam of light atop the Luxor in Las Vegas is made up of 39 individual lamps. Each xenon lamp costs $1,200 & will last about 2,000 hours. The electric bill for the Luxor beam is $51 an hour.

Las Vegas has the highest number of unlisted phone numbers of any U.S. city.

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Saturday, 18 August 2012

Las Vegas Escorts - Poor Ned

Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had spent his last $200 on a Las Vegas escort & had to borrow a quarter from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine & hit the jackpot. He took his winnings & went to the blackjack table & turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, & if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up & said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the quarter."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

.     .     .

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Thursday, 16 August 2012

Joke Joke Joke!

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" & the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in & said "What does bitch & bastard mean?" & the parents replied "ladies & gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" & the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in & asked "What does titties & dick mean?" & the parents replied "hats & coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving & he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in & asked "What's that mean" & the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, & she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives & said "Alright you bitches & bastards, put your dicks & titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, & my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

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Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Las Vegas Escorts - Sex Quotes

You have to be born a sex symbol. You don't become one. If you're born with it, you'll have it even when you're 100 years old.
Sophia Loren

As regards the individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active power of the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in the masculine sex; while the production of a woman comes from defect in the active power.
Thomas Aquinas

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers

Though the sex to which I belong is considered weak you will nevertheless find me a rock that bends to no wind.
Elizabeth I


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Saturday, 11 August 2012

Las Vegas Escort Famous Quotes

Prostitution is not just a service industry, mopping up the overflow of male demand, which always exceeds female supply. Prostitution testifies to the amoral power struggle of sex.. . Prostitutes, pornographers, & their patrons are marauders in the forest of archaic night. C. Paglia, Sexual Personae

Prostitution reinforces all the old dumb clichés about women’s sexuality; that they are not built to enjoy sex & are little more than walking masturbation aids, things to be DONE TO, things so sensually null & void that they have to be paid to indulge in fornication, that women can be had, bought, as often as not sold from one man to another. When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women. J. Burchill, "Born Again Cows," Damaged Gods

The only way to stop this trafficking in & profiting from the use of women's bodies is for prostitution to be legalized. Legalization will open it up to regulation; & regulation means safety. J. Angell, Callgirl

Prostitution, when unmotivated by economic need, might well be defined as a species of psychological addiction, built on self-hatred through repetitions of the act of sale by which a whore is defined. K. Millet, Sexual Politics
When prostitution is a crime, the message conveyed is that women who are sexual are “bad,” & therefore legitimate victims of sexual assault. Sex becomes a weapon to be used by men. M. St. James, San Francisco Examiner

I had never been with a woman for longer than a night, & they had always been whores. & while throughout each of these speedy encounters I tried to maintain a friendliness with the women, I knew in my heart it was false, & afterward always felt remote & caved in. I had in the last year or so given up whores entirely, thinking it best to go without rather than pantomime human closeness. P. Dewitt, The Sisters Brothers

Prostitution requires for its diminution not only laws, well enforced, to abolish the traffic in womanhood; not only better social protection against harpies who seduce young girls seeking an honest livelihood; not only better chaperonage of young girls in exposed occupations; not only better opportunities for natural enjoyment of youthful pleasure under morally safe conditions; not only these—but most of all, greater power on the part of the average young girl to earn her own support under right conditions & for a living wage..A. G. Spencer, Woman's Share in Social Culture

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Thursday, 9 August 2012

Safe Sex in Las Vegas

Las Vegas escorts always recommend Safe Sex! What's your favorite brand?

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard Durex: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Nike  Durex: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Durex: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Durex: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M Durex: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex Durex: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Durex: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Durex: It Just Feels Right!

Mentos Durex : The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Durex: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

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Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Las Vegas Escorts Love NFL Football

NFL football is back! It's the busiest time of the year for a Las Vegas escort. Be sure to try to book your appointments early for Sunday and Monday.  Las Vegas escorts give you the best blow by blow halftime show you have ever seen! Call us today to reserve your fanatic escort for your day at the sportsbook.

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